How to forgive someone who hurt you

Forgiveness may be the hardest thing the Bible asks of its readers. Not forgetting, not excusing, not reconciling before it is safe — but releasing the right to punish the person who wronged you. Jesus made it non-negotiable: "If ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

This guide explores what biblical forgiveness actually is, what it is not, and how to practise it when every feeling in your body resists it.

Forgiveness in the Bible is the cancellation of a debt. The Greek word aphiemi means to release, to let go, to send away. When God forgives, he chooses not to hold the sin against the sinner. When we forgive, we do the same: we release our claim to repayment.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires the offender’s repentance and trustworthiness. Forgiveness is a unilateral decision. You can forgive someone who never apologises. You cannot safely reconcile with someone who is still dangerous. The Bible affirms both truths.

Peter asked Jesus, "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?" Jesus answered, "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." The number is not literal; it means there is no ceiling on forgiveness.

Jesus then told the parable of the unforgiving servant: a man forgiven an enormous debt who then threw a fellow servant in prison over a small one. The point is devastating. We who have been forgiven everything by God have no right to withhold forgiveness from anyone.

Forgiveness is often a process, not a single moment. You may need to forgive the same person for the same offence repeatedly as the pain resurfaces. This is normal. Jesus’s "seventy times seven" applies to the same wound as much as to different ones.

Practically, forgiveness begins with a decision and continues with prayer. Paul wrote, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you." Remembering how much you have been forgiven is the fuel that makes forgiving others possible.